The most frequent question I receive with regard to conflict resolution is this: “How do you remember the better ways to resolve conflict when you get caught off-guard and you find yourself in a situation that you did not anticipate?” That is a great question, and I wish I could say that I had a perfect track record to point to in answering it. I have some approaches that usually work for me, and I still occasionally say and do things that escalate rather than resolve the conflicts in my life. However, I have learned one powerful thought that works really well to help me in these situations.

The best communication strategies and techniques for conflict resolution demand self-control and logical processing of the situation. In reality though, most of us are not self-controlled or logical when we get caught unprepared or unaware. In the “heat of the moment” we gravitate to emotional rather than rational thought. Since emotional thought tends to drive our reactions to situations, we often choose words and actions that actually increase the level of conflict rather than resolve it. We feel pushed, so we push. We feel attacked, so we attack. We feel criticized, so we criticize. If asked in a non-stressed, rational moment, we probably know exactly how to handle a situation. Then we find ourselves in an emotionally charged conflict of ideas or wills, and we forget the strategies we learned in calmer times.

So, I’ll restate the original question in a different way: How do you maintain self-control and logical thinking in an emotional situation? The answer – remember to respond rather than react. Simply remembering the difference between these words can help you to remain calm, self-controlled and rational.

First, let’s see how these words are defined. Then we’ll look at the practical application.

React:

1. To act in response to an agent or influence.
2. To act reciprocally upon each other, as two things.1

Respond:

1. To reply or answer in words.
2. To react favorably.2

Notice that reacting implies a reciprocal behavior driven by an external agent (the other person). In other words, when we react, we let the other person’s words and behaviors determine our words and behaviors. We react to their words in a reciprocal (the same as they acted) fashion. If the other person’s behavior seemed inappropriate to us, our reaction will likely seem inappropriate to them. Then we lock ourselves in a continuing cycle of “bad” behaviors that escalates the conflict rather than resolving it.

Responding calls for a reply in words (not in silence or withdrawal). As the second definition states, it implies a favorable choice of words. In other words, we remain respectful and kind, even in conflict. When we think response and not reaction we focus our energy and thoughts on resolving rather than escalating the conflict.

Just to emphasize the point, I’ll borrow an example that I learned from Zig Ziglar. Think, for a moment, about the difference between these two statements: 

• “The doctor said that I had a reaction to the medication.” (negative connotation)
• “The doctor said that I responded to the medication.” (positive connotation)

When class participants and clients ask me how they can improve their reaction to conflicts, I generally suggest that they think in terms of responses and not reactions. I encourage them to think in a positive rather than a negative direction. Thinking in terms of reactions generally focuses on quick phrases or techniques to turn the direction of the conflict. Thinking in terms of responses allows for the processing or reflection time that creates a thoughtful and rational (not emotional) approach to the situation. The subtle shift from “How should I react to this situation?” to “How should I respond to this situation?” allows me to remain more calm and self-controlled when conflict strikes. Many of my clients tell me the same is true for them.

Remember to Respond Rather Than React.

¹react.” Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 26 Mar. 2008. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/react>.

²“respond.” Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 26 Mar. 2008. <Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/respond>.