You have probably seen or been involved in confrontation discussions that got off track. I know that I have. Maybe you were speaking with one of your co-workers about cleaning the coffee pot in the break room and you found yourself in a heated discussion about your desire to “boss everyone around.” Maybe you attempted to confront someone who reports to you about missing a deadline and you wound up discussing their sick family pet and the trouble they were having trying to get the issue resolved. Or maybe you mentioned taking out the garbage to your teenage son and, the next thing you knew, you were in the middle of a discussion about your tendency to yell at him “all the time.”

Whatever scenario comes to your mind, I am pretty sure you have one. Nearly everyone I know has attempted to confront one issue with someone and then found themselves in an entirely different conversation. When this happens, tempers flare, harsh words get spoken, and problems remain unresolved. These situations are common, unproductive, negative, and emotionally draining.

Losing the main intent of the conversation may result from conscious diversionary tactics by the other person, but, more often than not, it happens because the person confronting the issue is unclear about their primary concern. If the issue you want to address with someone is not crystal clear in your mind, you can easily get drawn in to a conversation about a completely separate topic – usually how the problem is your fault.

Most conflicts involve multiple issues and points of view. To effectively “unpack” these issues, keep your focus on one thing at a time. For example, suppose someone who reports to you has a habit of being late to work, has promised you that they would fix the problem, and they arrived late again today. You have three potential issues to address: they were late today, they have a pattern of being late, and they broke their promise to you. If you try to tackle all of these issues simultaneously, you will probably find yourself in an emotion-filled, unproductive discussion without resolving any of the issues. So, start addressing the points of concern by choosing the most significant one to you and leaving the others alone until you reach resolution on the first one. In this case, I would tackle the broken commitment problem first and then address the others. You may see it differently, and that is ok. Just don’t go after all of them at the same time.

When you approach someone with a concern or a problem, they may attempt to make their behavior your fault. For example, “I would have been on time today, except that you made me work late yesterday. So I had to take care of some personal issues this morning.” Maybe they have a valid point, maybe not. Whether they do or not – don’t take the bait. Stay focused on your objective. Bring the discussion back to the key issue. You might say something like, “You’re right. I did ask you to work late yesterday, and we can discuss that in a moment. For now, I would like to address the fact that the last time we had this conversation you agreed to speak with me about these situations before you decided on your own to come in late. I want to discuss your broken promise.”

In writing this article, I am reminded of a scene from the Billy Crystal movie City Slickers. In this scene, Billy Crystal’s character, Mitch, asks Curly the wise old cowboy, played by Jack Palance, about the secret to life. Curly holds up one finger, and Mitch questions him about his meaning. In his reply, Curly says, “One thing. Just one thing…” Mitch still does not understand, and he says, “That’s great, but what’s the one thing?” To which Curly replies, “That’s what you’ve got to figure out.”

Effective conflict resolution is much the same way. You may need to deal with multiple issues, but you have got to stick to one thing at a time. If you want to resolve the conflict and move forward with a productive relationship, do as Curly suggests. Figure out the one thing and stick to it.

Every conflict situation or confrontation with another person will have its own flow and dynamics. As you apply this concept, you also have to have some flexibility. What if the other person counters with an even more significant or pressing issue? Agree to set the first issue aside in favor of dealing with the second. Just don’t try to handle both of them at the same time. Attempting to address multiple issues concurrently will often lead you to disaster. Pick one key topic and either stay with it until it is resolved or consciously, with the agreement of both parties, set it aside for later discussion in favor of addressing a different issue first.